Seeking to be desirable almost sounds inappropriate.
The problem is, being “desirable” has become cheap — just about anyone can portray themselves as sexy, on just about any platform.
But the truth is, long before humanity cheapened attraction (which happened long before modern day “platforms”), God designed a man and a woman to be powerfully drawn to each other. We should be attracted to our spouse, and we should want to be attractive. With that being said, let’s see if we can’t master the art of being desirable.
A Provocative Text
A couple of chapters at the beginning of Proverbs discuss the danger of adultery. In summary, a father warns his son to flee the allure of women who might lead him into sexual sin. Though adultery is not the topic at hand, tucked within this section of Scripture are some important verses for us married women.
In Proverbs 5:15-19, the father specifies whom his son should delight in. Of course, it is not in the adulterous and overly available woman who beckons him — it is in the “wife of his youth” (Proverbs 5:19). Not surprising, right? Obviously, a husband should place his affection on the woman he married. But as you read these verses, consider the inherent challenge for us wives. (Warning: you may blush while reading.)
15 Drink water from your own cistern,
flowing water from your own well.
16 Should your springs be scattered abroad,
streams of water in the streets?
17 Let them be for yourself alone,
and not for strangers with you.
18 Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
Basically, a dad is saying, “Go to your own wife for pleasure, not to any other woman — Go enjoy your wife!”
What’s interesting about this advice, is the assumption that the wife is ready to be enjoyable and available. The father is assuming if the son places his attention and affection on his wife, that is where he will find true delight and joy.
Is that true in your marriage: when your husband places his attention and affection on you, does he find true delight and joy? And I don’t mean merely sexually (though clearly, that’s relevant). But being enjoyable and available starts far before anything happens in the bedroom.
Deep Roots Of Desirability
Being desirable is much more than how we look, and it’s more than how we handle our sexuality. It’s highly connected to who we are. It’s connected to whether we are soft-hearted to our husbands. It’s connected to whether we want him to “rejoice in the wife of his youth.” It’s connected to whether we desire to be a delight, or whether we’d rather focus on ourselves.
It would be great if we were enjoyable (and available) wives. Dare I say, it would be wonderful if our love was even intoxicating! (Hey, God’s words, not mine! See Proverbs 5:19.)
So, here are 6 ways we can be more delightful, enjoyable, even desirable, wives–in ways that start long before the bedroom:
1. Be pleasant.
Don’t give your husband the short end of the stick when it comes to your mood. When your husband thinks of you he should have pleasant thoughts; not flashbacks of a nagging, exhausted, dissatisfied wife. Smile around him. Try to see the positive side of life. Be the kind of wife your husband is glad to come home to.
2. Be affectionate.
By in large, most husbands appreciate affection. Set the tone by showing your husband love in (literally) tangible ways. Hug him, scratch his head, hold his hand, give him a kiss –whatever it takes to communicate you’re happy to be the wife of his youth!
3. Be fun.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I read Proverbs 5:15-19, I think “that wife has got to be fun!” I mean, she’s described as a “lovely deer” and a “graceful doe”! She ain’t boring, that’s for sure. “Fun” can be defined in a myriad of ways, but regardless of how you define it, it should define some aspect of your marriage. You should know how to relax, laugh, and appreciate time with your husband.
4. Be available.
I don’t need to say much on this point, other than read verse 19 again. Put most simply, we should be so available that our husbands are never left wanting. More than that, the end of verse 19 implies this shouldn’t be a “check the box” availability — notice the husband should be intoxicated in a wife’s love. Think quality, not just quantity.
5. Be comfortable in your skin.
It’s difficult to not focus on our bodily flaws. But insecurities can quickly create a hindrance to the application of these verses (I’ll let you ponder why that might be the case). So do what you need to do – eat healthy, exercise, work on looking good for your husband…but you will never reach perfection, so let go of that idea, and be willing to be delighted in, regardless of the state your body is in.
6. Enjoy time with your husband!
We would all agree it’s hard to enjoy spending time with someone if they don’t enjoy time with you. So it is with our husbands. Therefore, do what you can to enjoy your husband. Work on noticing his good qualities. Ask God to help you not stress out about life (at least when you are supposed to be enjoying your husband). Go do enjoyable things, eat enjoyable food, or watch cheesy movies together.
You wouldn’t think we’d receive advice about being a good wife in the middle of a biblical passage on adultery. But it makes sense that a dad would point to his son’s wife and say “hello, she’s WAY better! Keep your attention on her!” Which is the challenge for us women; is that assumption true of us? It should be! We should be godly, enjoyable, pleasant, (and available) women — and in that sense, very desirable!
May every one of our husbands be able to “rejoice in the wife of their youth”!