Dear Daughter: Know What Drives You
I’ve been writing a series of letters to my daughters about truths I want them to remember as they grow up. Though I wrote these letters with my own girls in mind, I suspect many young women need the same reminders. So I’m sharing this one here. If there’s a daughter, granddaughter, niece, or young woman in your life who might benefit from it, please feel free to pass it along.
Dear Daughter,
The reality is, we all value some things in life more than we should. Some of us value comfort too much. Some of us live for thrills or fun. Some of us just want life to be easy. Others deeply desire security or really want to be liked by people.
And there are a hundred other desires that can become a little too important in our lives. They might even be good things. But even good desires can become a problem when they turn into a top priority and start motivating the way we live.
Here’s an example: When you start thinking about college, if you care too much about what people think of you, you may base your decision on what other people want you to do. If you just want to have fun, you may judge a school primarily by how exciting it seems. If you value comfort too much, you may only consider schools that fit perfectly within your comfort zone.
You get the idea. What you value affects the decisions you make.
And you have lots of big decisions coming in the next several years. There are the friends you choose to spend time with, your plans for the future, whether you will go to college, which college you will attend, what career you will pursue, who you will date, who you will marry, where you will live, what church you will attend, whether you will have kids and how many, and on and on.
These are often life-altering decisions.
All that to say, if what you value affects your decisions, what you value will greatly affect the direction of your life.
Fast-forward the clock and picture yourself at 80 years old. When you look back on your life, do you think you will be glad that you made a bunch of decisions based on wanting people to like you? What if you see that you spent your life chasing a good time? What if you realize you were always looking for the easiest way out?
If you are a Christian, I think those would be disappointing realizations.
While none of us will do this perfectly, as followers of Christ, what we will want to see when we look back is a Godward aim in our decisions. We will want to know that we gave our lives to pleasing the Lord. One day we are going to meet him, and we want to be as ready as we can be to say, “I did all I could to live for you.” Therefore, that should be your highest aim when you pick your college, your job, your spouse, your church, and everything else you have to figure out.
Of course, the personality God gave you will come into play as you make decisions. Your preferences will matter too. But those desires should take a back seat to the bigger question: What would please the Lord? Once that is your main aim, you can weigh all the other factors before you without letting them take over.
Theoretically, we know all this. But it is much harder to actually live out. We say we are living to please the Lord, but those other desires whisper to us as we go about our lives—and oftentimes we don't realize they are actually leading the way.
So here are two things I think you need to do, especially as you enter this crucial stage full of decisions:
First, know which desires tempt you most.
Examine your heart and pay attention to your motives. What do you tend to want a little too much? Comfort? Approval? Security? Fun? Success? Ease?
In other words, why do you usually do what you do? Why do you give in to sin? What distracts you from doing what you should? Once you can pinpoint those desires, you will be much more likely to notice when they climb into the front seat and start driving your decisions.
And sometimes it would be good to intentionally say no to those bossy desires. If you love comfort, regularly do things that are uncomfortable in order to serve someone else. If you crave people's approval, practice doing what is right even when you know it won't impress anyone. If you always want the easy route, deliberately choose something difficult when you know it would be good for you.
Jesus said that following him requires us to “deny” ourselves (Luke 9:23). That's a muscle worth strengthening. You don't want to discover when a major decision comes along that you've spent years training yourself to always choose whatever makes you most comfortable, liked, secure, or happy.
Second, ask God to give you God-focused desires.
Ultimately, we should desire to please God above everything else. And the more we genuinely want what he wants, the more our desires will lead us in the right direction.
Psalm 37:4 says,
“Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
That is ultimately the best way to get what you want—learn to want what God wants most!
So simply put, regularly make this a matter of prayer. During this season of life in which you are making all kinds of decisions, there is nothing better than having a heart that is fixated on pleasing God.
I am praying for you as you come across all sorts of big decisions in the years to come. I’m praying that you never let those bossier desires take the driver's seat. They should jump in the back and put on their seatbelts, because they are only along for the ride.
Let pleasing the Lord be what drives you.
Love you, Your Mom