Historically, children inherited much of their identity. They belonged to a family, a culture, and often a vocation. Their understanding of who they were wasn’t something they were expected to discover for themselves—it was something they received.
For God's people, this was a beautiful thing. It didn’t mean children were automatically saved, but the cultural pull they felt was one that pointed them toward God. They made decisions with the expectation that worshiping the Lord was simply the normal path of life. They saw life through the lens of belonging to God's people—and that community had an obvious influence on them.
Modern life tells a different story. Children less frequently inherit an identity. Instead, they’re encouraged to build their own. I often hear my kids and their friends speak in these terms in relation to the sport they play. "I am a soccer player," or "My sport is volleyball." Others come to think of themselves primarily as musicians or artists. Some identify with a particular friend group or personality type. What begins as an interest gradually becomes their primary association—and eventually what they believe defines them.
These involvements and associations aren’t inherently bad. But they do become dangerous when they begin carrying the weight of an identity.
The Dangers of Lesser Identities
Identity has a way of pulling us in a particular direction. Just as a Christian family and community once beckoned children toward a particular way of life, so does a child’s chosen identity—and the community that comes with it. There are at least three ways this plays out.
1. Expectations—and the Decisions That Follow
If a child comes to identify primarily as an athlete, they naturally expect to keep playing that sport and do whatever it takes to improve. If a child identifies most closely with a certain friend group, they will expect to be like those people and participate in whatever that group does. Decisions naturally begin to flow from the identity they have embraced.
Why is this a danger? Because our decisions shouldn't ultimately flow from these lesser identities. Life is about God and living to please him (1 Cor. 10:31). When something else becomes the lens through which we make decisions, it has begun to replace a God-centered view of life.
2. When an Interest Becomes Their World
When an interest begins to define our identity, it naturally becomes our focus. Instead of fitting into our lives, it begins organizing our lives.
And frankly, for many kids, life becomes all about “their thing,” which quickly becomes a way of making life all about themselves. Where life was once centered on the family and community they belonged to, it now becomes centered on the thing they most enjoy.
Clearly, this doesn't align with Christian thinking (2 Cor. 5:14–15). We should be teaching our kids that life is not ultimately about themselves. Rather, it's about loving God and loving others—and our interests only make sense when they serve that purpose.
3. Who Has the Influence?
A child who identifies most closely with a certain group will naturally find that group to be the most influential. Imagine a boy who primarily thinks of himself as a soccer player. Week after week he's practicing with the same teammates, traveling to games, celebrating victories, and working toward the same goals with his team. Before long, those aren't just teammates—they're his people.
We naturally look to the people we most closely identify with to tell us how to think, what to value, and how to live. That influence rarely comes all at once. Little by little, we begin adopting the same ways of thinking and living as the people we most closely identify with (Proverbs 13:20).
Every community has a culture, and every culture is shaping us. The question isn't whether our children will be influenced, but which community will have the greatest influence? The answer is usually found in the group they believe they belong to.
What Should Our Kids Identify With?
So where should their identity lie?
Our prayer, of course, is that our kids will repent of their sin and find their identity in Christ. He alone should define who they are—with every other identity becoming secondary (Col. 3:3–4). But while they are still young and figuring out what they believe, they are going to associate most closely with something—and we should care deeply what that is.
It's imperative that we help our children identify first with the people of God—with a family that seeks to follow him and with the local church. Those should be the communities that shape how they see themselves and the world around them.
In other words, whether our kids ever say it out loud or not, when they think about who they are, we don't want their first thought to be, "I'm a baseball player," or "I'm a theater kid." We want it to be, "I'm part of a family that loves God, and we're part of a church that loves God."
When our kids see themselves as belonging to God’s people, those same three forces that can pull them away from God can instead help draw them toward him. Our kids will make decisions with the expectation that they will keep seeking God. Their focus will become less self-centered as they see themselves fitting within a God-centered community. And their greatest influences will increasingly become those who teach them how to live in a way that pleases God.
How Do We Help Our Kids Choose a God-Centered Identity?
If our goal is to help our children identify most closely with the people of God, we need to recover something that was once much more obvious: the family was meant to be a child's first and most influential association. God designed the home to be the primary place where children learn about him and develop a God-centered view of life (Deut. 6:4–9). Parents were entrusted with the privilege of shaping their children's hearts, and we should be careful not to surrender that influence too quickly.
This means we need to capitalize on the influence God has given us. We are not here merely to manage our kids' schedules; we are here to shape their hearts. That begins by cultivating strong families. We need time together. We need meaningful relationships. We need homes where seeking God and enjoying one another go hand in hand. In a world where children are constantly looking for somewhere to belong, a child who doesn’t enjoy being with their family will naturally look elsewhere.
As we cultivate a healthy family, we preserve the influence God has given us and multiply opportunities to point our children to Christ.
Second, we need to truly prioritize the church. Not just going to church, but being part of the church. God never intended his people to follow him in isolation (Heb. 10:24–25). Our kids need to see parents who love every opportunity to gather with God's people. Then we need to help them connect at church—to build friendships, to serve, to worship, and to enjoy being part of the body of Christ.
Church should become more than a place they attend. It should become one of the places where they most feel like they belong. And if this doesn’t happen naturally, we need to do all we can to make it happen. After all, the communities where our children feel they belong will become the communities that most shape how they think, what they value, and how they live. So keep bringing them back again and again, encourage church friendships, find older Christians who can come alongside them, help connections happen, find ways for them to serve and get involved, and pray that their hearts latch on to the goodness found among God's people.
Third, we need to be careful what we get busy with. Many parents are guilty of signing their kids up for too many things—or too much of one thing—creating a child who thinks life revolves around those activities. We usually have good motives, but those activities can quickly become their defining involvement.
Every commitment is quietly helping answer the question, “Who are my people?” Every "yes" is shaping what our children believe deserves their time, affection, and loyalty. If we truly want them to associate more closely with God's people than with some group, our choices need to reflect that desire. When priorities compete, which one usually wins?
Finally, we need to remember that our children are always watching us. We can say we are all about seeking God and being part of his church, but if we consistently value lesser things—and make countless small decisions that prove it—our kids will notice. They watch what excites us, what we sacrifice for, what fills our conversations, what fills our calendars, and what consistently wins when priorities collide. Little by little, they begin to conclude, "This is who we are."
The goal isn't to isolate our children from the world. It's to help them find their deepest sense of belonging among the people of God. There is no better place for a child to fit than there.
Remember the Goal
Remember the big picture: We want our kids to feel the cultural pull toward Christ. That's what all this is about. It isn't about keeping our kids close. It's about cultivating an environment where following Christ simply makes sense.
It's about not surrendering the primary influence to outside sources.
It's about not allowing life to revolve around our children and their activities.
It's about creating the expectation that living for God is the natural path of life—the ultimate factor in every decision.
In practical terms, it's about your child wanting to live in line with the values of your family rather than the values of the kids at school. It's about your teenager feeling a stronger pull toward the people of God than toward the worldliness knocking at their door. It's about your adult child remembering the goodness of belonging to God's people and longing to build that same kind of life for their own family.
Our kids may be told to go make their own way, but we have the privilege of inviting them into a better one—a way that leads to life, both now and forever. So let's take this calling seriously. Let's faithfully steward the influence God has given us and do everything we can to help our children discover that there is no better place to belong than among the people of God.